DAY 20
Week 3
KALISPELL (Montana, USA) to GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (Montana, USA)
Monday July 10th, 2006
TODAYS MILEAGE – 134 miles or 216 kilometres
TRIP MILEAGE – 1931 miles or 3108 kilometres
Glacier, brace yourself coz here I come. 
I got up early as I'm still looking for the correct tie down straps for the tow dolly, so I stopped at Walmart to see what I could find. As I'm walking around, a very large, loud, dingo ugly shiela wanders by with her two kids in tow. She wasn't happy about something as she was screaming obscenities at the kids all the way through down the aisle.
I was being kinda half smart when I asked "Nice kids you've got there - are they twins?"
Jabba The Hut's sister stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain' t, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins?........ Do you really think they look alike?"
I'm like "No, I just can't actually believe you got laid twice!"
Rather than waiting around for the attack of the Mullet Fluffers, I'm off out of there like a Ehtiopian after a chicken and hit US2 - headed for Glacier National Park.
I got to the Apgar campground and set the RV up in a nice spot and decided to spend the rest of the day exploring the West side of Glacier. A quick 41 miles (66 kilometres) on a corrugated dirt road and I was at Kintla Lake. It wasn't a photographers paradise, as the angry storm clouds had rolled in and it was raining bucket loads. No worries I reckon, I can still get a good photo, you just need to scrounge around a bit for it.
From there I back-tracked 19 miles (30 kilometres) to Bowman Lake and as you can see by the photos, the weather wasn't playing any nicer.
I decided to keep going an extra 7 miles (11 kilometres) and grab a bite to eat at the Polebridge Mercantile. My toasted Black Forrest ham and Muenster cheese sandwich with course ground mustard sounded just like the ticket as the worms were biting. Little did I know that I would regret that decision a mere 3 hours later.
A Park Ranger at the Visitor Centre informs me that one of the best places to view the sunset over Lake McDonald was from the Apgar Lookout trail. He assured me that it was a gentle 1 hour stroll for some of the best viewing overlooking the lake.
I drive the 26 miles (42 kilometres) to the trail head and set off around 4:30PM (with a new pair of rugby shorts, mind you) thinking that I'll have plenty of time to get some great snaps and be down before it got dark. Seriously, I ascend this hill for an hour and 45 minutes, with the sun setting quickly, and I am not at the top of the tree line yet.
There are lion tamers as wells as lying bastards and although this wanker is employed by the government, he's not part of a "the" circus yet. But may his crotch be infested with genital crabs that turn into emus that treat his balls like ping pongs and bounce them a mile down a gravel road AND then have a go at his husbands!!! Officially, according to the National Park Service, it is 2.8 a mile (4.5 kilometres) hike with an 1850 foot climb - primarily all uphill.
I have to make a decision. Keep going up the US version of the Kokoda Trail and run the risk of running out of daylight with the fun notion of spending a night in the elements or turn around and head down, assured that at least I will get down safely.
Discretion being the better part of valour, I headed back down rather than being Grizzly bear bait.
Not 10 paces after making the decision, I had the urge to drop a grogan - and in a hurry. My guts was feeling it a bit and I did not know why. Those who know me, know that I could eat the arse feathers off a low flying duck and have no dramas going for seconds, but as soon as I dropped trou, I knew I was in trouble.
That toasted Black Forrest ham and Muenster cheese sandwich came out as a spray painters version of mustard custard. I could have blown it through a screen door and not hit the wire. No worries about using pepper spray to keep the bears away, it smelt like Chernobyl and Bhopal combined. The trouble (for me that is) was the not so small matter of the effort burning my ring gear on the way out. Talk about scorched earth.
So here I am, 3 miles into a 5.9 mile expedition, all be it on the way down, and thanks to the new shorts - the inside of my thighs feel like I've been walking with a cactus between my legs, my wedding tackle feels like I got a hand job with 80 grit sandpaper and my arse feel like 4 year olds after a sleep over at Michael Jackson's!!!
Nature boy??? I ain't felling it yet, but Johnny Cash is singing "Burning Ring Of Fire" loudly in my head!!!
I get home to the RV and take a tub while playing special attention to my nether regions with moisturizing body wash. I feel a whole lot better after that.
Around 8PM I shuffled on down to the Apgar Campground Amphitheatre to take a butchers at Jack Gladstone, who is a native Blackfoot indian. He reminds me a lot of John Williamson in the way he tells stories and keeps his peoples traditions alive. Well worth a look if you get the chance.
I got home and cooked up a feed of pan seared wild Alaskan halibut, caught by my good mates Ian & Jax, accompanied by a veggie salad with my own homemade balsamic vinaigrette and some Monkey Bay (New Zealand) Chardonnay.
All in all, I spent a great day checking out this beautiful part of the world. It's a tough life, but someone has to experience it.
• GLACIER NATIONAL PARK (Montana, USA)